Feb 13, 2010 015

I’m feeling it.

All of it.

And it’s not always pretty.

I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted… mentally. I cannot shut my brain off. Wine used to do that for me. It’d help me forget that I could feel. And for someone who feels – a lot – not just for herself but for other people as well, learning how to cope with those feelings after being able to shut them out for so long is draining. To say the least.

So for the past {almost} three weeks, I have had feelings. Lots of them. And I’m trying to learn to own them instead of shove them away and hide from them. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to live fully, and part of life is having feelings.

They’re not all bad. The other day I saw a few empty bottles of booze at my brother’s apartment. For a moment, panic struck as I wanted to lean over his recycling bin and smell them {sick, I know…} But then the image of a scene in Finding Nemo came to mind. Where a bunch of sharks are holding a Fish are Friends, not Food meeting {similar to an AA meeting…} and they each bring a fish friend to show they’re abstaining from eating their friends. But one of the fish gets hit with a diving mask and bleeds a little {if you haven’t seen the movie, it makes no sense, but I know most of you have kids who’ve seen the movie at least once!} So then one of the sharks, who has given up eating fish, gets a whiff of the fish’s blood, and a crazed look comes across his face. The other sharks see and yell “INTERVENTION!!!!” and race to their shark friend, trying to free him of his inner demons.

Thinking of that scene made me laugh. Made me feel a little bit lighter faced with my enemy.

So about these feelings, not all of them are bad. Some of them are trying. Some of them make me want to hid out under my covers. Some are sweet, and some are funny.

No matter what they are, I’m feeling them. All of them. Embracing, even.  Laying out a warm welcome with hot tea and banana muffins.

They’re making me whole, filling the dark spots in my soul with bright, brilliant light.


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37 responses to “Feeling

  1. You too, huh? I’ve been reading similair posts by Heather of the E.O. Congrats on your sobriety, now you can feel exhausted like the rest of us 😉

  2. txmomof3

    It strikes me that you are having the most difficult feelings and, simultaneously, the most freeing ones. No matter how hard it gets, there is a bright spot inside of you that knows you are making the right choice. For you and for your family. That knowledge will get you through, I really believe that.
    As always, I’m humbled by your writing and your honesty about your struggles. Keep it up, please.

  3. Oh sweet friend. It’s no coincidence that you stumbled upon those bottles. You will be attacked for this decision, by one who doesn’t want you to be free.

    But 3 weeks? AMAZING. Such victory.

    You fought back the temptation, put it in it’s place. Just keep doing that and you’ll be free…


  4. ((((hugs))) You are doing it. Just keep swimming! 🙂

  5. Girl, you are doing it! I know the exact scene you are talking about. One day at a time, truly it is.

  6. Corrine,

    So glad to find your blog through High Calling Blogs! The story of your journey is powerful and heartfelt. Your transparency, even about the messy parts, is engaging and endearing. I’m pulling for you, and praying!

    Btw, LOVE the Nemo analogy. Sometimes humor goes a long way to make truth more palatable.

  7. Praying that you’ll continue to feel it all, to live fully, and seek out the light.

  8. Natika

    Great analogy! When you were writing about that I started to think about the Twilight books!

    You are doing a great job!

  9. I went through that about 13 years ago. The first year was the hardest. Especially when you are bombarded everywhere. People used to think you were weird if you wouldn’t have a drink. It’s not so bad now. Here’s some tips that will help –

    >Remember your reason why
    >Eat healthy
    >Drink green tea – it is calming
    >Drink water to keep your system flushed and hydrated
    >Know that it will pass and you’ll be fine

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

  10. As Dori says, “Just keep swimming!”

  11. Nicki

    You go, Corinne! Proud of you!!!

  12. The more I read the more proud I am of you. I LOVE the Nemo reference…totally get it.

  13. My sister-in-law, a counselor, keeps a notebook where she writes down all the emotions she can’t shake/cope with/file away. She uses pencil, which is symbolic on two fronts: She has the power to erase them, revise them. And she is visually reminded that they are not permanent. This has worked for me, too, and I wanted to share it.

  14. Congratulations of feeling and recognizing how overwhelmingly intense these feelings can be now, how exhausting even happiness is when you feel it in its entirety. You can do this. Even this. You have a lot of insight and more strength than you realize. Hang in there. Just for today.

  15. turleybenson

    Oh, Corinne. You are amazing. I’m familiar with the “feeling too much” phenomena.

    Why does every single post of yours blow me away? Amazing.

  16. I love that scene in Finding Nemo–it’s just so brilliant and real. I’m glad you could conjure that scene in your mind and get through that hard moment.

    Like someone earlier said, “just keep swimming!”

  17. oh what to say… it is hard to find something through my tears… but i did smile… at the sweet thoughts. because some have to be good, right? i hope that one day soon it becomes easy to just feel… because to me, it is one of the greatest gifts.

    i could not say it, since i’ve already said it a time or two before… but why hold it in? love and prayers coming your way, my friend!

  18. That scene in Nemo, hilarious! Maybe because it hits it on the head. Sometimes when my brain is turned ON & my body begs sleep, I can at times get sick of myself. My thinking of ALL things makes me wanta say “Get over myself, already!” Maybe I’m the only one who wants to talk to myself, but hey, if you have these yucky thoughts, kick’em to the curb. And like Lora said: “((((hugs)))…just keep swimming!” I’m seconding that.

  19. I’m not sure that I can add much to the great comments above. But I will just say that I continue to be impressed by your courage and your strength. As Nicki said, you go, girl!

  20. Your perspective is wonderful! And you are doing so great! Big huge hugs to you!

  21. All that feeling is mentally exhausting isn’t it… And after years of avoiding them they seem to come all at once. I sometimes do a guided meditation; it can give you a bit of mental space. On the days when emotions are at constantly at a ’10’ it takes you back to ‘1’. I also sometimes climb into the cupboard to fend off the assault of feelings!

  22. I found you through a comment you left at SortaCrunchy, and what a lovely blog you have! This post is beautiful. Your honesty is so touching and thought provoking. I hope (KNOW. I know :)) your journey will only get easier and that you will be surrounded by love and support. It seems like through the comments above, your support is very present.

    Again, your blog is so lovely — the beautiful photos, the honest words, the sweet family. It was nice to ‘meet’ you 🙂

  23. OH my friend – I’m all warm and fuzzy for you right now. I’m so proud of you, and I so admire your ability to make me laugh, to see the humor in something that’s really really hard and shitty to deal with. You are incredible.

    I can’t pretend to understand how you feel, but through your writing I’m getting a glimpse and I so appreciate your telling, your sharing.

    xoxo to you.

  24. Nancy

    Keep swimming Corinne. You are doing it and I am so proud of you.

  25. Hi Corinne,

    Feeling, in my opinion, is what it’s all about. I want to feel it all, the good, the bad, and the awesome!

    You can do it!


  26. Pingback: Most Tweeted Articles by Moms Experts

  27. Lessons from Nemo — so true, so funny. It’s amazing what Moms can learn from kiddie texts. Thanks for sharing.

  28. Awww, I love the “just keep swimming” comment up there. So appropriate!

  29. Oh so beautiful. Feelings are fuel for the best writings too…

  30. I’ve really enjoyed reading this journey you’re on. And Maggie’s and Heather’s. Such great writing is coming out of it – to help others.

  31. I relate to the mental exhaustion to all the feelings life brings your way.

    Hugs to you and this incredible journey you’re on.

    Sorry I haven’t been dropping by as much. Been ‘down for the count’ lately. I still think of you often!

  32. You are doing wonderful, Corinne. And your writing comes straight from the heart and tugs at mine. Blessings, dear friend.

  33. Oh wow. I’m so proud of you.


  34. Being a truly feeling person is so tiring and demanding … I get what you are saying. So many times I’ve tried to drown all of the feelings with various forms of medication — whatever they may be. But honestly, you’re right. It’s so much better to welcome the feelings than try and suffocate them because those feelings do serve a purpose. And for me, they help make me the person I am, if that makes sense.
    Three weeks of sobriety is a wonderful accomplishment. It’ll soon turn to three months … three years … three decades. 🙂

  35. Hugs and congratulations and wishes for continued strength and courage.

  36. I remember learning how to feel again. I remember standing in the shower and feeling emotion wash over and through me. Holding on to it just long enough to feel it, and then letting it go. Memories, thoughts, emotions. All of it.

    And why the shower? Well, it was the only place I ever felt truly alone. And as a mother now, that is even more true. The shower–when it’s not rushed (and when, exactly, is that?)–is my thinking spot.

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