Tag Archives: peace

The places we go

There was a week not so long ago that I walked around thinking something was off. I had looked in the mirror one morning and noticed that my belly looked a little rounder than normal… and of course my mind went to that spot. That oh dear… could I be walking around pregnant and not know? place. I think all women know the place.

Now, since having Paige the hubby and I have gone to extraordinary lengths to make sure we do not have a baby #3. So really, it wasn’t possible. But my mind still went there.

I walked around and would stop whenever I came across a mirror, and would asses how the belly looked. Could it be? Could it just be I gained weight? But I hadn’t.

A week or so went by, and it turns out I wasn’t pregnant. But something looked new. Same weight as before, but the curves looked so different.

At some point the revelation happened. The difference was that I wasn’t sucking my tummy in. By the grace of, something, I’ve been able to let go. I’ve been comfortable enough to feel and see the curves that make up who I am. That place where you can look in the mirror and feel ok, the place where you’re not trying to be something you’re not. I’m able to let go and finally breathe. It’s taken years, but I’m here, and I’m loving it.

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Simplicity.

I’m on my third wedding band. I’m not all that excited to admit it, but there are reasons. I still have every single one of them.

My first one, the one that was blessed by the woman who married us, is a beautiful band with diamonds all along in a channel (I think?) setting. It fits my engagement ring, which is on the ornate antique kind of looking side. A few weeks after we were married, my ring finger started swelling, and had little red bumps all around it. Not pretty.

We figured it was the moisture getting into the rings. I could wear my engagement ring alone just fine, but not the wedding band. Onto wedding band number two…

The second one is a mid size plain band. Very thin. But it worked. I could wear it alone or with my engagement ring. After time, the edges started cutting into my finger though. Not a good choice.

Then I got pregnant with Fynn, and couldn’t wear any of my rings for quite a while! It took a long time after not being pregnant to be able to wear my rings again…

And then I got pregnant with Paige. My fingers were slim, and stayed slim, and I desperately wanted to wear my wedding rings. Just the engagement ring was working out for me (most of the time, because sometimes they’d scratch my kiddo…), and normally that would have sufficed, but deep in my heart I truly needed a wedding band. I get these weird things that I become obsessed with and have to have…

On to wedding band number three. A simple, rounded, skinny but solid platinum band. It’s perfect. I wear it mostly by itself, and it fits our life. It doesn’t get caught on anything, it’s just there – part of me – part of us.

The journey to the perfect wedding band has not been unlike the journey of finding peace within myself, I think. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m finding the older I get, the more simplicity makes me happy. My marriage is simple, we love and respect each other. Parenting is simple, we follow the lead of our children. Life is simple, I try to do things that make me and my family happy. When I look at it  in the grand scheme of things it’s all simple.

But when you get caught up in the nitty gritty of daily life, it’s not simple. I just keep reminding myself that simplicity is key, and with it comes much less stress.

My third wedding band is the perfect one. It’s the one that reminds me not only of my husband and our love, but to keep simplicity in mind as well. The simplicity that gives us room to breathe and keep on keeping on.

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Peace in the absence of quiet

Some days I really miss the quiet peacefulness that goes away when you have children. Yes, you find peace in different ways, but there is rarely a moment where it’s just me – and nothing else. No laundry calling, no dishes waiting, no toys on the floor waiting to get picked up. No children pulling on my leg, asking for one more snack.

Today has been one of those days where I really miss it. Our weekends are full, because I think they have to be. We keep busy so the whining doesn’t start, so the kids don’t start getting into each others things, so we don’t have a chance to stretch too much in our little place and realize there isn’t enough room for us. But the busy weekends make me miss the quiet moments even more.

I like being quiet. I like keeping to myself. That’s been the hardest thing, and the best thing, about having my babies. They’ve made me reach outside of my comfort zone in a lot of ways, and I am ever thankful for that. But a lot of who I am lies in my quiet moments. Maybe that’s why I rush over to the computer as soon as the hubby has bedtime under control so I can focus on my daily blogging….

I’ve had days where I’ve had to hold a sleeping child while sitting on the toilet because that’s the only chance I had to pee. That day I realized there is nothing sanitary about motherhood. At all. Seriously. What happened to days of closing the bathroom door for a little bit of privacy? Unless I lock the door during my morning shower, I have literally (and I’m sure I’m not alone) zero time during the day where I don’t have a child within arms reach. I lay down with them to nap most days, it’s what we have to do – it’s how we parent – but it wears on you. I love the choices that we’ve made, but sometimes… you just need a few minutes to yourself to freaking pee.

Finding peace in the absence of quiet has been hard for me. I’m working on it, but it’s a work in progress. I might have it figured out by the time the kids go off to college! But I crave it, and I want my children to know how to be peaceful and enjoy the quiet. For now, I’ll take my glass of wine and a good book for the few minutes I can steal before the hubby finishes up bedtime with the kids.

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